Thursday, December 17, 2009

A troublesome scene

From the WIP. It's a pivotal scene and I've had some real issues with it. Luckily, the lovely AW Purgies rode to my rescue and here's what I've done, thanks to their comments and suggestions.

for those who haven't read the first draft, some backstory. Evan is a Lieutenant in the 101st Airborne and he and his Captain have been lodging at Megan's house for a few months. Megan is a widow, her husband was killed 4 years earlier. The men are just about to leave for another location, a few weeks prior to D-Day.

All comments would be welcome....please!

Purgies rock!

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Megan looked at Evan. He lingered in the kitchen doorway, his eyes dark.

”Good luck, Lieutenant.” She tried to make sense of why saying goodbye to him hurt her so much.

“Captain, will you give us a minute?” His hand curled around her wrist, a feather-light touch. Megan trembled.

"All right, but don't be too long."

“I won’t.”

Megan watched Evan close the door. His eyes never left her face.

“Are you all right?” She fidgeted with her sleeve and swallowed at the knot in her throat. This was too much like saying goodbye to John. This time, however, Megan knew what could happen. She was under no illusions about the dangers Evan was going to face. She looked at him and tried to find the words to say goodbye.

Evan leaned against the door. “No. I’m not all right.”

Before she could speak, his hands were in her hair, his mouth devoured hers. Megan put her hands on his chest with every intention of pushing him away. It was hard enough saying goodbye without this. She didn’t need another reason to miss him, to worry about him. This just made things worse. It created a tie that she wouldn’t be able to break.

Evan’s hands were insistent, warm on the small of her back, rushing down to her hips. He pulled her close, drowning her until the last of her reservations fell away. Megan gave in to him, opened her lips, curled her fingers into his hair. She trembled when he tightened his arm around her waist.

“God, Megan.” He sighed against her mouth.

Megan kissed him back. She molded herself to him and wept because he’d left it all too late. She cradled his face in her hands, savoring the feel of his skin beneath her fingers and the scent of him.

He covered her wet cheeks with fierce little kisses, pushing her hair away with shaking fingers. “Don’t cry. It’s hard enough to say goodbye as it is.”

“Why now?” She sobbed.

“I’m so sorry. I should’ve done something sooner, I should’ve said something. I hate that I didn’t have the guts until now. I love you, Megan. Forgive me. Please.” His hands wound through her hair. His mouth moved from her lips to her throat and back to her lips again. He left her boneless. She struggled for breath and for common sense.

“Damn you, Evan. It’s hard enough saying goodbye to you without this.” She pushed at him, her hands curled into fists. “How can you do this now? Why would you put me through all this again?”

“Please, Megan.” His breaths were quick and shallow. He touched his forehead to hers. “I tried not to fall in love with you. I know it’s wrong because of my marriage and because of the hurt you’ve already suffered. I might not come back. I couldn’t leave without telling you, without … this. I love you.”

His anguish tore at her. Megan let her hands uncurl. She rested against him, wrapped her arms around him, and cried. “I don’t want anything to happen to you. I don’t think I could bear it.”

“I’ll come back, I promise. I would do anything to come back to you.”

“Come on, Lieutenant.” Barlow’s voice was a faint demand beyond the door.

“Damn.” Evan kissed her again – a sweet, regretful kiss. “I’m sorry, honey, I have to go. I’m so sorry I waited until now.”

Megan touched his face. “So am I. Please be careful.” She wiped her eyes and looked at him, wanting to remember everything.

“I’ll miss you.” His hands fell away, leaving her standing in the chill of the hall.

“I’ll miss you too.” She would never forget the scent of him, of soap and aftershave.

He picked up his kit bag. “I’d better go.” His lips brushed her forehead.

Megan nodded, struggling for words. She watched him open the door and wanted to stop him, terrified that she would never see him again.

“Goodbye. I’ll see you soon.” Evan’s voice was hoarse.

“Take care.” She watched him walk down the path, into the cold, early morning drizzle. He waved when he climbed into the jeep and Megan stood on the step, waiting until it disappeared around the bend in the lane, before she gave in to her tears once more.

6 comments:

  1. Yay! Love the additonal insight into the characters. Only question I still have: does he know where he's going, what he's going to be doing? If I were her I'd want to know.

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  2. WOW. This scene has grabbed me. If I picked up a book and read this, you best believe I'd be buying it and reading on the spot. I didn't read your first version, but this one is really good. Clear, concise and grabs all their emotions - the passion, the sadness, the anguish, the love. Wonderful.

    Only two tiny things stood out to me. The word curl used a few too many times maybe (curling hands once or twice, uncurling a few times). Also the phrase hard enough saying goodbye without this stuck out to me as used more than once. I think once as in thoughts and once said aloud, so it's possibly okay, but just something that stood out to me.

    Overall though - Bravo. You really hit the nail right on the head with this one.:)

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  3. Thank you all!
    LWalker, they don't know for sure what's going on. They know there's something big and it involves landing on the continent. But that's about it.
    yea, 'curl' it's a habit I need to break. lol!

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  4. Oh, so much better! The scene is definitely richer now, and I can really relate so much more to your MC here. But..WAH! Sad! I agree about the little repetitions, but they're minor nits.

    Really nice revisions, Fire! :)

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  5. Sue, another tender, poignant scene. I didn't read the original so I can't offer a comparison. Sorry. Still, I like it. :)

    Just to echo what Jennifer said, watch the use of "good-bye". I'm sure you'd catch it in edits, but it is used six times in this passage.

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