In this version, Grace actually does stuff, so hopefully the dreaded Passive-bleh stuff is gone.
Thank you all for wading in!
Grace Webb trains racehorses for a living. It’s a career she’s happy to focus on when her fiancé, Christopher Beaumont, is deployed to Afghanistan. At a time when racing yards are losing horses because of the bad economy, a promising horse like Allonby could be the salvation of her father’s yard. Grace welcomes the chance to focus on Allonby in attempt to stop fretting about Christopher’s growing despondency and the frustration of lousy internet connections.
When Christopher is sent home with horrific leg wounds and, as a consequence, PTSD, Grace is determined to help him heal. As she fights Christopher’s nightmares, depression and rage, she also faces a battle to save Allonby’s career before it’s had a chance to blossom.
Sue,
ReplyDeleteI'd shorten this a bit. Here's a possibility:
Grace Webb, a racehorse trainer, never realized how impossible it would be to maintain a relationship with a man stationed in a war zone, until her fiancé, Christopher Beaumont, is deployed to Afghanistan. Trying to cope with Christopher’s growing despondency over lousy internet connections makes her question how they will ever stay together.
Finding solace in her work, she concentrates on getting Allonby, a promising horse, ready to race. At a time when racing yards are losing horses because of the bad economy, Allonby could be the salvation of her father’s yard, and a safety net for a future life with Christopher.
When Christopher is sent home with horrific leg wounds and, as a consequence, PTSD, he comes close to surrendering to his demons. On the eve of the biggest race of Allonby’s career, Grace faces down her worse nightmare – saving Christopher from himself.
Hm. I think Dee's version has more action and more oomph, meself. I'd also add:
ReplyDeleteAs a racehorse trainer, Grace Webb knows something about perseverance in the face of adversity. But she never realized how hard it could be to stay the course until her fiancé, Christopher Beaumont, is deployed to Afghanistan. Trying to cope with Christopher’s growing despondency over lousy internet connections makes her question how they will ever stay together.
Finding solace in her work, she concentrates on getting Allonby, a promising horse, ready to race. At a time when racing yards are losing horses because of the bad economy, Allonby could be the salvation of her father’s yard, and a safety net for a future life with Christopher.
When Christopher is sent home with horrific leg wounds and, as a consequence, PTSD, he comes close to surrendering to his demons. On the eve of the biggest race of Allonby’s career, Grace faces down her worse nightmare – saving Christopher from himself.
Ok, I finally get around to this and I see the work has been done. :-)
ReplyDeleteYour new version is *much* stronger than your old one. I think you found the right angle.
Dee's + Amy's suggestions rock. I have nothing else to add.
eeee, thanks ladies! I love the "stay the course" very appropriate.
ReplyDeleteSue, it still seems to have a lot of "first this happened, then that happened." I've only read bits and pieces here on your blog so some of the tone of this may be off, but here's a rough idea of another possibility that simply focuses on Grace's conflicts:
ReplyDelete"A passion for one magnificent thoroughbred. A once-in-a-lifetime love for a heartbreakingly damaged soldier. Earthy, hot-blooded British racehorse trainer Grace Webb can’t have them both.
Allonby is a horse in a million, the horse who will save Grace’s family training yard once and forever. Grace has raised him from a long-legged foal, coaxed him through his first lessons, ridden him to astonishing times with the wind in her face. Now he’s on the brink of a spectacular career, and everyone at the yard is looking to Grace to guide her thoroughbred baby into racing history.
Christopher Beaumont is an elegant aristocrat who lost his elegance--and his psychological stability--in the sandstorms and firestorms of Afghanistan. Grace loves him with all her heart but he needs someone to devote her whole life to him, at least until he surmounts his terrible wounds and his post-traumatic shock. He wants Grace. He needs Grace. And he holds Grace’s heart.
Allonby or Christopher? Will Grace choose? Or will she find a way to be everything to them both?"
Hrm. My last comment isn't here. If this is a repeat, just ignore me.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I like about your new version is that it balances Grace and Christopher, so I know it has both POVs. I love the suggestions in the comments, but I do feel like they're slanted toward Grace, when Christopher's struggle with PTSD--while trying to be a good man to her--is integral to the story. For me, I'd like to see you keep that balance as you rework it. Good job on the changes so far!
I feel like I'm still learning a ton about story structure, so take this for what it's worth:
ReplyDeleteThis is much more active, Sue, but it does have a string of pearls feel for me still. I just did a quick conflict box sketch, and if I understand your story, I think Elizabeth's version encapsulates the conflict, albeit in a different voice than I suspect you'd use.
This is what I see (not in query form, but more to clarify the central conflict): Grace's goal is to get financial stability for her family's stable through getting Allonby up to potential. BUT, along comes a soldier (the II and introduction of external conflict) and loving him means a ton of distraction. (Distance, worry, injury, PTSD.) She copes with all these things by staying focussed on work BUT Christopher's demons cause him to abandon her at a crucial time for the family business. At the make-or-break moment for the stable, Christopher reappears and needs her urgent help. (I think specifying what would help here. Is he suicidal?) The climax comes when she must decide whether to choose between him, Allonby, or if there's a way to have both.
Because this is WF and not romance, I don't think you need to incorporate Christopher's POV, but, I think we need to understand he was stable and good for her before the war, and that she's torn because she can see how he's fighting to do the right thing by her, but always can't.
Anyway, I've probably just muddied things for you, but hope that helps.
I hates the querying, I so do...
ReplyDelete