Kestrel isn't getting any agent lurve at the moment. My queries have fallen on stony and barren ground...much like my back yard.
This week I'm posting the first 247 words. All good Purgies will know why *winks* . I really need some input here before I throw my hands up in despair.
Thanks, folks.
The low thrumming of an engine broke the afternoon silence, growing louder until the plane burst from beyond the trees with a roar that had Ilona and her sister scrambling for cover. ‘What on earth is that?” Aislinn asked, clinging to her arm as they ducked behind the low wall of the terrace. “Is it the Germans, Ilke?”
Ilona gripped the warm brick, her fingernails dug into the moss as the ground trembled. She was convinced her heart was going to hammer through her ribs. The noise reverberated through her bones. “I don’t think so. I think there’d be more than one plane.” She glanced up as the plane swept into a banking curve above the house. It was low enough that she could see the RAF roundels on the underside of its elliptical wings and she took a deep breath. “It’s all right. It’s one of ours.”
“Are you sure?” Aislinn’s voice quivered.
“Yes, I’m sure.” She stood up, her fear gone, and shielded her eyes against the glare of the afternoon sun. “What a sight!” It seemed impossible to her that it came from a factory, its slender fuselage and upswept wings were something that nature would fashion, it echoed the shape of the kestrel that rose, screeching, out of the woods in pursuit of the intruder. Ilona watched the bird for a moment and wished she could fly with it, to follow the plane and see off the enemy that waited in the east.
Ok, I'm obviously the wrong one to ask, cause I don't see anything 'wrong' with this. It sets the feel for the character and the setting of the novel, complete with the kestrel. (Hope I got the right word for that...)
ReplyDeletepersonally, I liked it and would read... and I don't even read many historical novels of any type...
I'm J.F., I really like this opening. From the first paragraph we get a sense of time period without being explicit. It's WWII and the fear of German attack. There's a whistfulness with the juxtaposition of the RAF plane and the kestrel.
ReplyDeleteAs a little editing, the first quote you've only put 1 quotation mark ' but you use " for the rest.
I really don't see why this isn't getting responses, Sue: it's so wonderfully visual, and so elegantly written.
ReplyDeleteOne suggestion -I think "What a sight!" would be better as a thought; Ilona's internal monologue is all around that line, and it just seems to me that it would be smoother as IM. :)
Lovely, as always. I really enjoy reading your stuff.
Very nice, Sue.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion would be to substitute Aislinn's second question ("Is it the Germans?") for the first, and delete "What on earth is that?" It would give the paragraph more impact.
Also, I was unsure what you meant at the end by 'see off' the enemy. I think of 'seeing off' a friend going on a trip, but I'm guessing this isn't your intention here.
Hey Susie Q,
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I might change is the impact level of the first paragraph. I agree to remove the "what on earth" all together, but I also think you should start her off with more of a bang, using “Is it the Germans, Ilke?” as the very first sentence of the novel and go from there. Other than that, I can't wait to see this in print!!!
xoxo -- Hilary
Thanks, all! I like the idea of getting rid of 'what on earth?' I'll find another line instead of 'what a sight'. I'll talk to my dad, I need a WW2 equivalent of 'wow!'. Bloody Hell is what I'd say but Ilona's been well-raised and it would be more than vulgar ig she said that.
ReplyDeleteI love it, I really do. But since you're asking for anything and everything, I do have a few suggestions that you can take or leave as you wish.
ReplyDelete1. I agree with Hilary about starting with the dramatic dialogue. I'd still love to hear the engines, but maybe that could be worked in just after the first dramatic line.
2. Perhaps work in some details that cue us to the age of the sisters. I have no idea why, but given the absence of physical description, there's something about Aislinn's dialogue and dependence that make her sound very young. Be extension I think the MC is too. A reader who quits too early might not get this book is about adults.
3. I find this passage a bit run-on-ish: "It seemed impossible to her that it came from a factory, its slender fuselage and upswept wings were something that nature would fashion, it echoed the shape of the kestrel that rose, screeching, out of the woods in pursuit of the intruder."
Otherwise, you know I love your stuff. I'll be cuing up to buy it.
I enjoyed the read, but agree with the suggestions given so far. Also:
ReplyDeleteShe was convinced her heart was going to hammer through her ribs. The noise reverberated through her bones.
I'd just pick one. I personally like the second, less used. Well done!
I liked this a lot! I can see the merits of starting with "Is it the Germans?", but I also think it would work if you just cut the "What on Earth?" Either way, everything you've written here really paints a vivid scene in my head.
ReplyDeleteOh, and ChristaCarol took the words right out of my mouth, lol. that's what I get for being late! :)