Monday, May 4, 2009

Oooh, it's another Teaser Tuesday thingie!!

Here's another excerpt from 'A Kestrel Rising'.

Ian and Ilona are attending a dance at the NAAFI on Catterick base. Ilona has just discovered that Ian can't sing very well. Ilke is the diminutive for Ilona...just to avoid any confusion :).

“You are an amazing woman, Ilke.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I take a perfectly romantic moment and reduce you to tears of laughter, when most women would’ve been upset with me for not taking things seriously. I’ve had women storming off dance floors for less.”

She found her handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes, “More fool them.”

“Oh, Carstairs, you’ve not made Ilke cry already have you?” Sandy, with Faith in tow, reappeared bearing more drinks, “What have I told you about that?”

“It’s all right, Williams, she just was overwhelmed by my singing, that’s all.”

“It’s dreadful isn’t it?” Sandy patted her shoulder, “Imagine being trapped in a plane, at fifteen thousand feet, with that racket in your ears. That’s why he’s the Tail End Charlie, because if his singing gets too bad we can leave him behind.”

“Now, that’s just cruel, Sandy.” Ian took a sip of beer, “You’re making me look very bad in front of Ilke and I’ve spent all evening working hard to impress her.” He tweaked her ear, gently, “Haven’t I? Tell them how impressed you are.”

“I’m impressed.” She told them, trying to keep a straight face, “I really am.”

“Could you be a little bit more convincing, darling?”

Ilona laughed, “I’m trying.”

He stood up and held out his hand, “Try a bit harder and dance with me again. I promise I won’t make you laugh this time.”


  1. It's nice to see a lighter side to their relationship - and the dynamic between them is still completely captivating. Lovely!

  2. They're so sweet together and fun. Nice dialog back and forth.

    (But beware of this construction: She found her handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes, “More fool them.” Unless there's a dialog tag, that comma before the speech needs to be a period or you've got a run on. Like the sentence I just wrote. ;oP)

  3. I can't wait to read this. The emotion between the two is palpable.

  4. I really like your characters! Love the interaction between them. It's so natural and intriguing. Very nice scene.

  5. Beautiful! You can really feel her need to laugh. Love the light moment. Well done!

  6. AW! I love the interaction too...have you done other teasers on this MS?

  7. JKB, yup. The previous two teasers. :)

    Thanks, all, for your encouraging comments. Purgies Rock!!!

  8. Sue, I love the way you capture period in your dialogue. I think its the most telling way to set your manuscript in a time and place, or to make it glaringly obvious that you don't have a firm grasp on either. You do it brilliantly with bits like "It's dreadful, isn't it?"

    But yes, on the active clauses before dialogue, you have to close them with a period before you slide into the dialogue. Otherwise it looks funny.

  9. Great interaction between the two characters, and even though I didn't know what time period this was in, I got a really good impression of it just from the dialogue.

  10. Great snippet here. The dialogue does a great job of conveying the tension between the two and that certain playfulness that is so marked in youth. I agree with others that you do a great job putting the time period in by the phrasing here, good job!

  11. Very interesting! I'm intrigued.

    I really like the interaction between the two characters. The dialogue flows nicely.