tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post7140254102610778657..comments2024-01-17T03:11:49.030-08:00Comments on kestrel rising: Teaser Tuesdaysue laybournhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14549268075528924978noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post-51714407245263775412009-04-03T11:35:00.000-07:002009-04-03T11:35:00.000-07:00Thanks, Julianne.You're right about the excess of ...Thanks, Julianne.<BR/>You're right about the excess of 'shes' I noticed that the other day, so they will be taken care of when I go back and do my revisions.<BR/>Sasha was killed in WW1. The story is set in St. Petersburg/Petrograd during WW1, the Revolution and the Civil War.sue laybournhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14549268075528924978noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post-70209232713949882902009-04-03T11:14:00.000-07:002009-04-03T11:14:00.000-07:00You do a great job of pulling us into her devastin...You do a great job of pulling us into her devasting pain. Was it a sudden death?<BR/><BR/>One thing I would suggest is that you vary your sentence structure a bit. Eight of the eleven sentences in the first paragraph begin with "She +verb, as do all of the sentences in the final paragraph. The short sentences work well to evoke the bluntness of her pain, but the repetitive structure is somewhat distracting. Perhaps you could combine some of the sentences or place some subordinate clauses in the initial position.<BR/><BR/>I'm intrigued by your story...what is the time period?Julianne Douglashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10190332417986785920noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post-74887133991557756172009-03-31T16:41:00.000-07:002009-03-31T16:41:00.000-07:00Thanks, guys!Sasha is her husband.Thanks, guys!<BR/>Sasha is her husband.sue laybournhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14549268075528924978noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post-92040599819945818322009-03-31T15:49:00.000-07:002009-03-31T15:49:00.000-07:00Anguishing. I thought there were few too many des...Anguishing. I thought there were few too many descriptions of her pain in the first paragraph. I felt it detracted ever so slightly from the emotional tone. Taking a few out might strengthen it even more.Gretchenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09327185025020171674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post-73549887912410552112009-03-31T15:02:00.000-07:002009-03-31T15:02:00.000-07:00How sad. Very emotional scene. Good job.How sad. Very emotional scene. Good job.JenWriterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00582622561973120857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post-8168320401545274982009-03-31T12:53:00.000-07:002009-03-31T12:53:00.000-07:00Very tense, emotional scene, and Russian names! Th...Very tense, emotional scene, and Russian names! That makes me happy. Is Sasha her husband or her son?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com