tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post4736879865813795472..comments2024-01-17T03:11:49.030-08:00Comments on kestrel rising: Teaser Tuesday - new stuffsue laybournhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14549268075528924978noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post-54563997292542106842009-08-18T16:12:49.974-07:002009-08-18T16:12:49.974-07:00I enjoyed this scene! Love them sitting around wi...I enjoyed this scene! Love them sitting around with the drinking and toasting. And the detail about her arranging her cherry pits on her plate really conveys her embarrassment--nicely done.<br /><br />You may want to watch all your double adjectives, though--you've got a lot of "flat, salty tang" and "dripping, dying fountain" format strewn throughout this passage. Once doesn't bother me, but I stumbled across it several times, and for me, it really slows the pace. I think you should choose the one that captures the image you're seeking the most and get rid of the other. <br /><br />Overall, this is really fascinating. But I'm bummed that you left us with just a tiny little tease of the interaction bt the hero and heroine--BOO! :)Debra Drizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15750912933889904216noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post-39898545270814143952009-08-18T15:57:47.238-07:002009-08-18T15:57:47.238-07:00I liked it a lot! I really like the setup you'...I liked it a lot! I really like the setup you've got going, and I'd probably read the entire thing. For some reason, I'm fascinated with this time period/area of the world, probably because I know very little about it.K.A. Stewarthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00926336938605410096noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post-3324329055327060002009-08-18T10:34:15.564-07:002009-08-18T10:34:15.564-07:00Thanks, Purgie peeps, for your comments. I'll ...Thanks, Purgie peeps, for your comments. I'll probably expand the dinner/vodka session scene when I do my revisions. <br />I definitely get what you say about Katya being detached from the place and the scene, I've picked up on that when reading through what I wrote during my weekend word blitz. Too many filters. <br />Happily, I 've found my photos from my trip to Kashgar and the diary so I'll be going back and making more of a 'star' of the location. <br />Hilary, my Russian teacher and his wife invited us round for dinner once...lots and lots of proper vodka and some very silly toasts. I could barely make it on the bus after!sue laybournhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14549268075528924978noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post-575130881401467462009-08-18T09:39:29.252-07:002009-08-18T09:39:29.252-07:00I have to agree w/Blond, while beautiful, the firs...I have to agree w/Blond, while beautiful, the first few lines don't fit the rest of the scene.<br /><br />I have some Russian and Polish friends, who sit around thier table talking and sipping shots of warm vodka as if it were water, just having a great time. This totally brought that to mind. I think you did a GREAT job describing that!!<br /><br />xoxo -- HilaryHilary Wagnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18199287020561210673noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post-69662142813105536362009-08-18T09:30:36.310-07:002009-08-18T09:30:36.310-07:00Love the dinner scene with hints of the Lieutenant...Love the dinner scene with hints of the Lieutenant and Katya's interest in him. I thought the first few sentences were misleading: kind of overly poetic for what was to be a much more grounded scene. Also slowed down the pace for me right from the get go, which I don't think you need. But the meal, the conversation, etc. were all fantastic.Gretchenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09327185025020171674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post-48592528914567619192009-08-18T08:39:10.538-07:002009-08-18T08:39:10.538-07:00As Ink noted, you have beautiful prose even in des...As Ink noted, you have beautiful prose even in describing the decent into drunkeness. The subtle descriptions such as "Her Uncle’s words were beginning to slide together" work best. Well done.Steven Corderohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05891598188156163954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post-41855869067200674012009-08-18T07:05:17.234-07:002009-08-18T07:05:17.234-07:00I love the over-exuberant uncle, drinking toasts t...I love the over-exuberant uncle, drinking toasts to anything. Although I was surprised he couldn't handle more than 9 vodka shots. <br /><br />Here's a thought, too: bring Katya into the moment. She seems very detached, thinking, "Oh, I have to get this lamb recipe." Which feels so ... suburban mom-ish. Is she thinking at all of the journey ahead? Similarly, you have great details of the atmosphere--tang of the desert and the dying fountain and the distant singer, but Katya doesn't seem to be experiencing them.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849265595241988339.post-19975597082976026752009-08-18T06:40:07.676-07:002009-08-18T06:40:07.676-07:00lol! Beautiful prose to describe getting drunk. I ...lol! Beautiful prose to describe getting drunk. I love it. :-D I really like that you're setting this in Kashgar, and your details give me a nice feel for the place.<br /><br />A couple minor things I noticed: You have a stray comma in the first sentence (after "brought with it"). Also, in the first paragraph, the sentence that starts with "For a while..." - the last phrase "night was setting..." should be its own sentence.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com